Pearls of wisdom from missus nunckee

LastMantra · January 2020

skullfunkerry · January 2020

I had an ex who (among many many other pearls which I'll add to the thread as I remember them) was absolutely convinced that because I have a dodgy knee (as opposed to two dodgy knees), it's a sign of an imbalance somewhere else in my body...

EDIT: just remembered another one: the fact that I like sour sweets is a sign that I have a deficiency of some other element

boogieman · January 2020

Got my ancient mother staying with us at the moment. I showed her an old photo of her father as a child that I’d discovered hidden behind another old photo.

“Who’s this mum?”

”No idea, some baby?”

”It’s your dad!”

”Nah, it cant be him. He had blue eyes, my dad”

It was a black and white photo.

munckee · May 2022

Thought I'd dig out this old thread, missus munckee the gift that keeps giving : )

A commentator on tv news this morning said "Putin should end up the same as Hitler." Missus munckee chipped in "What, they're going to behead him??"

Sporky · May 2022

I had an ex who once asked me in rather an indignant tone "Well, what else have you forgotten?"

My answer did very little to improve that situation.

S56035 · May 2022

darthed1981 said:

If it helps our boiler loses pressure and needs re-filling every week or so. It's in the loft.

Despite at least 10 attempts to show the wife how to do it, still only I can.

Also, the loft has spiders, and she has a bad knee that makes going down ladders difficult, so once she's up, she might not make it back down...

Do you think she can't do it or doesn't want to do it ;-)

bertie · May 2022

our friends fondly refer to these as "mrs bert-isms" as she gets it wrong so often. [ "mrs bert" replaced by her first name]

For instance -

thinking of having a velcro window put in the loft

out walking Winnie, saw a herring standing in a neighbours fish pond

DB1 · May 2022

Mrs DB1, watching a bird grooming itself and showing off....

'Ah, look at that bird pruning itself.'

And she's most definitely the brains of the partnership.

Danny1969 · May 2022

I was in the pub with my missus when a mate came over and said hello. "Who was that" she said when he left. That's Gary the Milkman I told her. "Oh, he seems nice, what does he do for a living?"

english_bob · May 2022

Mrs_bob has a longstanding habit of calling the front door of our house the back door, and vice versa.

It's not like our house is oddly designed or anything- one door faces the street and has a letterbox in it (she calls that one the back door), the other leads in to a fenced, private garden (front door, she says). Bizarre.

She's also developed a habit of using entirely the wrong word in a sentence, but almost always in a context where I can figure out what she meant:

"Did you remember to put the cucumbers out?"

"Wait... do you mean the bins?"

Lebarque · May 2022

munckee said:

Thought I'd dig out this old thread, missus munckee the gift that keeps giving : )

A commentator on tv news this morning said "Putin should end up the same as Hitler." Missus munckee chipped in "What, they're going to behead him??"

She was clearly thinking of Saddam Hitler. Eh? Oh.

Bod · May 2022

Years ago when we got our first DVD player, we watched a film from Blockbuster after which Mrs Bod tentatively asked if we needed to rewind it before returning.

EDIT : Just realised there's a lot in that sentence that might need explaining to our younger members, but I really can't be arsed.

Sporky · May 2022

For balance, I cannot seem to call the dishwasher "the dishwasher" when I'm near it.

Snags · May 2022

english_bob said:

Mrs_bob has a longstanding habit of calling the front door of our house the back door, and vice versa.

It's not like our house is oddly designed or anything- one door faces the street and has a letterbox in it (she calls that one the back door), the other leads in to a fenced, private garden (front door, she says). Bizarre.

She's also developed a habit of using entirely the wrong word in a sentence, but almost always in a context where I can figure out what she meant:

"Did you remember to put the cucumbers out?"

"Wait... do you mean the bins?"

Without wishing to cause concern, has Mrs Bob been checked out for any medical issues? There are various things that can cause that whole "confidently wrong word" thing, beyond simple inattention or zanyness.

english_bob · May 2022

Sporky said:

For balance, I cannot seem to call the dishwasher "the dishwasher" when I'm near it.

I can't think of the right names for anything some days. Household appliances, family members...

I just have to point and say "that one".

Lebarque · May 2022

Bod said:

Years ago when we got our first DVD player, we watched a film from Blockbuster after which Mrs Bod tentatively asked if we needed to rewind it before returning.

EDIT : Just realised there's a lot in that sentence that might need explaining to our younger members, but I really can't be arsed.

That reminds me of when my grandparents got a video (player, not recorder!) They would never use any of the buttons, so they put a video in (which would auto-play), then let it play right until the end, at which point it would automatically rewind and switch off, irrespective of if they were watching or not! Play, pause, rewind and fast forward were all lost on them lol.

boogieman · May 2022

My dad loved new tech and would always want the latest thing, so one Xmas I forked out quite a considerable amount and got him one of those latest newfangled things: a DVD player. I could only afford one film, as the discs were stupidly pricey at launch but I bought him lots of different ones over the years. He seemed delighted with every one at the time but when he died I discovered them all, in a cupboard, all still sealed.

equalsql · May 2022

My wife thought a pound of lead was heavier than a pound of feathers.

olafgarten · May 2022

Bod said:

Years ago when we got our first DVD player, we watched a film from Blockbuster after which Mrs Bod tentatively asked if we needed to rewind it before returning.

EDIT : Just realised there's a lot in that sentence that might need explaining to our younger members, but I really can't be arsed.

I wouldn't worry about anyone that young being here.

My 17 year old brother still knows what DVDs and VHS Tapes are, but my 2 year old niece assumed DVDs were books the first time she saw them.

Philly_Q · May 2022

boogieman said:

My dad loved new tech and would always want the latest thing, so one Xmas I forked out quite a considerable amount and got him one of those latest newfangled things: a DVD player. I could only afford one film, as the discs were stupidly pricey at launch but I bought him lots of different ones over the years. He seemed delighted with every one at the time but when he died I discovered them all, in a cupboard, all still sealed.

For a number of years we thought we'd solved the annual dilemma of buying presents for my parents by getting them box sets of safely-inoffensive comedy series like As Time Goes By. I don't know for certain but I very much doubt they ever watched any of them.

My dad never even peeled off the big stickers around the bezel of his TV saying "HD Ready" etc. I went to do it once and he told me not to!

skullfunkerry · May 2022

english_bob said:

Mrs_bob has a longstanding habit of calling the front door of our house the back door, and vice versa.

It's not like our house is oddly designed or anything- one door faces the street and has a letterbox in it (she calls that one the back door), the other leads in to a fenced, private garden (front door, she says). Bizarre.

She's also developed a habit of using entirely the wrong word in a sentence, but almost always in a context where I can figure out what she meant:

"Did you remember to put the cucumbers out?"

"Wait... do you mean the bins?"

I had an ex who insisted that "up the street" meant in the direction you were travelling, and "down the street" meant the other way. When I asked her if that meant you'd drive up the street, then turn round and drive up it again, she said yes O_o

proggy · May 2022

I remember listening to a phone-in on the radio years ago where this fella said that both his wife and her mum thought that the moon was the sun at night.

HAL9000 · May 2022

english_bob said:

My mother in law has a habit of crashing two well known phrases or sayings together.

"It's all water under a duck's bridge".

Careful now - mixing phrases is the thin end of the slippery slope.

HAL9000 · May 2022

My sister in law: So, how many pedals does an automatic have then?
Me: Just the two.
SiL: So I only need to use two feet then?

Philly_Q · May 2022

proggy said:

I remember listening to a phone-in on the radio years ago where this fella said that both his wife and her mum thought that the moon was the sun at night.

They'd been listening to some Dio-era Black Sabbath...?

darthed1981 · May 2022

S56035 said:

darthed1981 said:

If it helps our boiler loses pressure and needs re-filling every week or so. It's in the loft.

Despite at least 10 attempts to show the wife how to do it, still only I can.

Also, the loft has spiders, and she has a bad knee that makes going down ladders difficult, so once she's up, she might not make it back down...

Do you think she can't do it or doesn't want to do it ;-)

Either way she's taking an ice cold shower I it goes and I'm not here!

Sporky · May 2022

equalsql said:

My wife thought a pound of lead was heavier than a pound of feathers.

As I recall, a pound of gold is heavier than a pound of feathers because gold uses a different ounce (and thus a different pound).

roundthebend · May 2022

HAL9000 said:

english_bob said:

My mother in law has a habit of crashing two well known phrases or sayings together.

"It's all water under a duck's bridge".

Careful now - mixing phrases is the thin end of the slippery slope.

We were viewing a house once and the seller has a huge dog in quite a small place. It has to squeeze past with its slobbering chops, taking a sniff as it went.

"Don't worry, he's as soft as two short planks" said the guy.

He said another one too, but I can't remember it. We didn't buy the house purely on those grounds.

Bod · May 2022

A neighbour's pet rabbit got mauled by a fox one evening while his wife and kids looked on. I heard the commotion and went round and removed the remains from the lawn because he was out.

He popped round later to say thanks, saying that he didn't know how the fox got into the garden - "I've checked behind the shed for a nest, but there's nothing there" he said. I guess the problem was that his foxes were flying in.

Mixed phrases - a bloke I worked with used to say "put your head above the pulpit", and used "creme de la menthe" rather than "creme de la creme".

thecolourbox · May 2022

Creme de menthe is pretty nice to be fair, I think I'd prefer that to some normal creme

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Pearls of wisdom from missus nunckee

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