Favorite Joke

thumpingrug · August 2013

Just one, but it has to be the one that makes you smile. Actually this is just a way of getting people to smile and click on the LoL votes.

" I have the memory of an Elephant.

I went to a zoo and can remember seeing an Elephant"

Your turn.

strumjoughlamps · August 2013

knock knock.

[whos there]

oink oink who

[oink oink who who]

make you mind up are you a pig or an owl

knock knock

[whos there]

cows go

[cows go who]

no, cows go moo

viz · August 2013

Bloke goes into the library and says "CAN I HAVE SOME FISH AND CHIPS PLEASE MATE?"
Librarian says "excuse me sir but this is a library"
Guy whispers "ooh sorry, can I have aome fish and chips please?"

Lixarto · August 2013

There has been an accident on the A66 - a prison van has collided with a cement mixer.

Police are advising motorists to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.

Fretwired · August 2013

Two accountants and their boss were clearing out a cupboard when they came across an old jar. During their lunch break one of them decided to open it and was stunned when a Genie appeared.

"Thanks guys .. I've been trapped for 10,000 years" said the Genie. "I can give you three wishes and as there's three of you I make that one each".

The first guy says "I want to be a Brazilian billionaire" .. the Genie waves an arm and sends the guy to Brazil with a billion pounds.

The second guy says "I want to be a French billionaire" .. the Genie waves an arm and sends the guy to France with a billion pounds.

The boss thinks for a minute and says "Make sure those two are back here in the office after their lunch break" ..

Accountants don't do fun ....

DiscoStu · August 2013

An Eskimo takes his car to the garage because it's losing power.

The mechanic checks it over and says "it looks like you've blown a seal".

"No", replies the Innuit, "it's just frost on my moustache".

octatonic · August 2013

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

"Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? That's because you don't live in New York City"

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

All from Jimmy Carr.

octatonic · August 2013

Actually, this one:

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Also, Jimmy Carr.

Headphones · August 2013

What did the slug say to the snail?
Big Issue, mate?

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other, "How do you drive this thing"?

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Can't be done, it's a hardware problem.

Drummers... Pick your favourite and cut/paste.

Paul_C · August 2013

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis . . . . I mean ladder!

gusman2x · August 2013

"Dinghy number 9 come in your time is up"

"Boss, we only have 7 dinghies"

"Dinghy number 6, do you need assistance?"

Fretwired · August 2013

A long time drunk was lying in his hospital bed, still groggy from the effects of his recent operation. His doctor came in looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"All right," said the patient. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?

Bucket · August 2013

I bought some extra strong mints the other day.

Couldn't get them out of the packet.

maltingsaudio · August 2013

How do you tell the illegitimate jelly babies?

Hold the bag upside down and all the little bastards fall out

Longtallronnie · August 2013

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?

Or

What's the last thing to go through a bugs head before he hits the windshield? His arse.

Chuffola · August 2013

I've copied this to save me having to type it all out. It's my favourite joke. As long as you read the punch line in a comedy German accent.

An English couple have a child. After the birth, medical tests reveal that the child is normal, apart from the fact that it is German. This, however, should not be a problem. There is nothing to worry about. As the child grows older, it dresses in lederhosen and has a pudding bowl haircut, but all its basic functions develop normally. It can walk, eat, sleep, read and so on, but for some reason the German child never speaks.

The concerned parents take it to the doctor, who reassures them that as the German child is perfectly developed in all other areas, there is nothing to worry about and that he is sure the speech faculty will eventually blossom. Years pass. The German child enters its teens, and still it is not speaking, though in all other respects it is fully functional. The German child’s mother is especially distressed by this, but attempts to conceal her sadness.

One day she makes the German child, who is now 17 years old and still silent, a bowl of tomato soup, and takes it through to him in the parlour where he is listening to a wind-up gramophone record player. Soon, the German child appears in the kitchen and suddenly declares, “Mother. This soup is a little tepid.” The German child’s mother is astonished. “All these years,” she exclaims, “we assumed you could not speak. And yet all along it appears you could. Why? Why did you never say anything before?” “Because, mother,” answers the German child, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

Sporky · August 2013

An Englishman, an Irishman, a priest, a rabbi, three Mexicans and a talking dog walk into a pub. The landlord looks up and says "Is this some sort of joke?"

stickyfiddle · August 2013

I have a really good joke, but it's taking a while to type out. It should be finished by the morning...

bigjon · August 2013

What's the difference between a bassist and a drummer?

Usually about a beat and a half.

Lixarto · August 2013

There's a shipwreck, and the survivors are washed up on a desert island. There are two English men, two Scots men, two Irish men and two Welsh men.

A year passes.

After this time, the Welsh men have formed a choir; the Scots men have founded a distillery; the Irish guys are on the beach fighting, and the English men are waiting to be introduced.

goldtop · August 2013

I went to a zoo this weekend, but all they had was a dog.

It was a shihtzu.

IanSavage · August 2013

Couldn't be arsed to type it out, C&P FTW:

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts “Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.”

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy.” The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.” The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?” The first guy replies, “Well, I’m fucking disgusted, and my friend here has come in despair.”

Bellycaster · August 2013

I'm reading a book called The History of Glue..........I can't put it down

Man walks into a Pet Shop and says to the Shopkeeper "I want to buy a Wasp"

"We don't sell Wasps" replies the Shopkeeper.

Man replies back "You must do, theres one in the Window"

stickyfiddle · August 2013

Once, there was a farmer. He had a large farm, with lots of horses and workers and fields of crops and a farmhouse and a farmers wife and all that. He had a pretty happy life. One day, a tractor salesman came by, offering good deals on the latest John Deere models. The farmer was doing pretty well, but he liked the idea of making his day easier, so he put some money down on a new tractor.

Anyway.. the new tractor arrived a couple of weeks later and the farmer was thrilled. It was warmer than driving a horse, less argumentative than a horse and had a better radio than his horse too. Life was good.

As time went on, the farmer, let's call him Keith, found that the tractor made his farm so much more productive he had far more money and free time, so he thought to himself, "I know, I'll go down to the tractor showrooms and look at some new tractors and think about buying another one for the lads to use". So off he went, spent a whole day looking at Massey Fergussons and Hondas and JCBs, you name it. Eventually, he found a Lamborghini with a leather seat and air-conditioning and LED headlights. He was smitten, so put down the deposit and waited for it to arrive.

Delivery day came, and it was magnificent. Super-comfortable, really fast and got Mrs Keith all hot under the collar. He decided to give the old John Deere to the lads and use the Lambo himself. He invited some farming mates round to look at the new acquisition, so they all came over one night and compared tractors.

A few weeks later, there was a farming fair in town, with a big show of tractors. Keith decided he would go along and display his tractors and chat with the other tractor owners and have a jolly nice day out. So he did. He even went and got himself a polaroid camera and a notebook, so he could take pictures of his favourites, and note down their numberplates and chassis numbers. He had a whale of a time, and made lots of new friends and found out lots more about tractors.

Over the next few weeks Keith started researching tractors on the internet. He started writing on tractor forums, looking at pictures dirty of tractors on google, and bidding on tractors on ebay. After a year or so he'd bought 3 more, and had a proper collection in his barn. He'd go out every day after his farm work, clean them up and polish their wheels. So much so that he started to sleep in the barn, and rarely saw his friends. There were rumours he’d even started breaking into neighbouring farms at night to steal a look at the tractors in the moonlight, but he was never caught.

it was decided to stage an intervention. Farmers Bob, Stu and Petey McBogg all went over to Keith’s farmhouse one afternoon, sat him down and said “Right. We’re worried you’re losing yourself in this farmyard nonsense. Let’s get you out of the house, away from tractors and into the pub”. Keith reluctantly agreed, more in order to shut them up than anything, and they set off for the pub. After much chatter and a few beers Farmer Keith had seen the light. “Thank you all! I like this pub stuff. Let’s not bother with tractors any more. I’m going to retire. But first, let’s go dancing.”

The 3 were relieved, so agreed they’d find a club and go dancing. They went into town, and queued for a few minutes, paid their money and went into the club. It was smoky. It was really smoky and they couldn’t see a thing. “I can’t see anything!”, said Bob. “What will we do now?”, asked Stu. “Who said that?!” asked a rather puzzled Petey McBogg.

Keith piped up; “It’s ok lads; I’ve got an idea”

And with that, Keith started in inhale. He breathed in a couple of lung-fulls of smoke, and then kept going, more and more until the smoke had cleared. He just didn’t stop.

The others were amazed. “How did you do that? You’ve breathed in a whole room full of smoke and don't even look tired, never mind ill!”, they asked.

“It was easy.” said Keith. “I’m an ex-tractor fan.”

scrumhalf · August 2013

I was born by Caesarean. You can't tell, except every time I leave the house I go out through the window. (Thank you Steven Wright)

spacecadet · August 2013

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his arse

My wife said she's leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with plants. I said where's this stemming from petal?

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
It reminds me of why there is no fucking money in there.

ESBlonde · August 2013

Two elephants fell off a cliff.

Boom Boom.

monquixote · August 2013

What would Sigmund Freud say if you had asked him what comes between fear and sex?

Fünf

ddlooping · August 2013

monquixote said:

What would Sigmund Freud say if you had asked him what comes between fear and sex?

Fünf

When I asked him he replied "Your mum". :-S

axisus · August 2013

The definition of a Dyslexic agnostic insomniac - Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

There are 10 types of people in the world - those that understand binary and those that don't.

There's a sucker born every minute - Octopus in difficult childbirth.

Dwarf fortune teller mugs client and scarpers, police warn of a small medium at large.

Howdy, Stranger!

Categories

In this Discussion

Become a Subscriber!

Favorite Joke

Comments